I present to you the Star Wars: A New Hope “Mary Sue/Marty Stu” rewrite, for the writer who thinks Luke is too human and relatable and should’ve been as perfect, plastic and flawless as Rey. Because boys need role models who are superior to themselves in every way.
- Luke is an expert survivalist living on his own on Tatooine. He isn’t subservient to Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. He loyally waits for a lost companion to return.
- Luke steals R2-D2 from a Sand Person on a Bantha who has captured the droid. The Sand Person just looks at him and rides away.
- Luke can understand everything R2-D2 says. C-3PO is written out since he’s not needed to translate.
- R2-D2 follows Luke around obediently instead of running away and generally just thinks Luke’s awesome.
- Luke finds Obi-Wan and tells him he’s just a nobody and didn’t even know the Force was real. Obi-Wan hands Luke his father’s saber and then disappears from the movie. No training required.
- Luke experiences a “vision” upon touching the saber for unexplained reasons. Magic lightsaber?
- Luke enters the Cantina and knocks down Ponda Baba and Dr. Evazan with a stick when they threaten him.
- Luke finds the Falcon with only Chewie inside as TIE Fighters start bombing the area. He jumps in and flies it with some wild maneuvers through Beggar’s Canyon while Chewie works the gun port. They destroy the TIEs and return to get Han.
- Chewie is injured while running from Stormtroopers to get to the Falcon and Luke takes over as co-pilot.
- Luke fixes the Falcon’s malfunctions by himself before Han can figure out what to do.
- Han is so impressed with Luke that by the time they get to the remains of Alderaan, he offers Luke a permanent job on his crew.
- They sneak into a back door on the Death Star unnoticed and somehow instantly find Leia’s cell.
- Luke uses the Jedi Mind Trick on the guards at Leia’s cell to get inside. (First time the Jedi Mind Trick appears in the movie.)
- Leia says Luke is amazing, thanks him and won’t stop talking about wanting to run away with him and devote herself to helping him. Luke is not interested and says he just wants to be friends.
- Han somehow instantly finds the head Stormtrooper Commander and says he’ll kill him if he doesn’t shut down the Death Star’s magnetic shields. The Stormtrooper Commander complies and they throw him in the trash compactor.
- Darth Vader finds the heroes. Luke watches as Han Solo confronts Darth Vader and is killed.
- Luke attacks Darth Vader and holds his own. He drops his saber but he is able to Force grab it back before Vader can. (First time Force grab is seen in the movie.) Vader offers to train Luke. Luke lands several blows on Vader and cuts off his hand while remaining unscathed and Vader collapses in a heap. Suddenly, there is an explosion that ruptures the platform between them and Luke leaves to join Leia, Chewie and R2 back on the Falcon.
- Meanwhile, Wedge leads a small squad to do a bombing run on the Death Star. He easily hits the target without facing much resistance or even thinking about it much and the Death Star blows up.
- Luke officially joins the Rebellion at the end of the movie and is instantly selected to pilot a ship on a vital mission they’ve been waiting years to do. Their best pilot who just blew up the Death Star, Wedge, is passed over.
And there you have it. Star Wars: A New Hope as bland, generic, shallow, Saturday morning cartoon space opera, without depth, meaning, humanity, heart or soul, a.k.a. Star Wars: The Force Awakens.
I’m thinking we’ll cast Arnold Schwarzenegger as Luke and Chris Tucker as Han Solo.